Use Your Pillow Talk to Improve Sexual Intimacy

Our words carry more power than we know. Your words are so powerful that they will kill or give life, Proverbs 18:21 tells us. If the words I speak are so powerful, how much so than to my husband in times of intimacy? My pillow talk will either give life or kill  our sexual intimacy.

What is Pillow Talk?

Pillow Talk are the words we use when we have intimate conversation with one another before, during or after sexual intimacy.

Four Rules of Life-Giving Pillow Talk

  1. Use your words to turn on.

Words that husbands want to hear
  • Affirmation (You are so good, baby)
  • Kind direction (Let’s try it this way. [Keep your tone gentle and soft.])
  • Desire (I want you, you hunk of burning love)

My husband is turned on when I use words of affirmation, kind direction and desire during our times of sexual intimacy.

Words that wives want to hear
  • Compliments (You are beautiful, Lovely, Sexy, Hot)
  • Encouragement (I love how you saved your energy for me today. I am the luckiest man in the world to have you as my wife.)

There’s a very sensual and intimate book in the Bible called the Song of Songs (or the Song of Solomon). This book celebrates the sexual relationship in the covenant of marriage between a man and a woman. This poetic and erotic love story offers a perfect example of turn-on words husbands and wives want to hear the other say.

In this book, there are portions where the wife begins with the head and face of her man, moving down his body, slowly undressing him with her words. And the pillow talk she uses will turn your man on too– words like his body is like polished ivory….beautiful in every way (5:10-16)

I facilitate Awaken-Love classes, and I continually remind the wife participants to regularly compliment their husbands’ polished ivory!

After commenting on his strong arms, she then describes a part of his body as polished ivory. Most English translations hesitate in this verse. The Hebrew Is quite erotic, and most translators cannot bring themselves to bring out the obvious meaning. The smooth and expensively ornamented tusk of ivory is a loving description of her husband’s erect penis. ~ Allender and Longman 

As a woman, I particularly like how the husband describes how beautiful his wife is from head to toe. The rest of that chapter describes how much he desires her.

This man really got his wife. He understood what made her feel sexy. The key to Pillow Talk for women is this:  This husband made sure before he touched her sexually, he first touched her heart with his words.

  1. Use the magic word.

What if talking during sex is awkward?

If you’re reluctant—or unable—to provide the direction you think your lover needs, there is a simple, effective one-word remedy. Simply say “yes” when you enjoy what’s happening, and remain silent when you’re less than thrilled during your times of intimacy.

Over a few months, just saying “yes” as part of your pillow talk is virtually guaranteed to get you more of what you want and less of what you don’t.

Erotic arousal is contagious. There’s no hiding if you’re aroused when in the act. Sighs, moans, and groans communicates arousal, but “yes” works better. Especially when you say it with feeling.

As the line goes in the movie When Harry Met Sally (after a customer in a restaurant overheard Sally imitating sounds of an orgasm) “I’ll have what she’s having.”


  1. Avoid Turn-Off Words.

  • Dennis and I have a rule that we don’t have negative conversations in our bedroom. Negative topics of any kind. But especially negativity about sex or sexual performance.

Turn-off words are “You never, You always, You’d better not…” As stated above, remain silent when you’re less than thrilled with what happened during the act that was so dissatisfying.

Communication is necessary for a healthy marriage. And communicating about sex is even more critical for its health.

Bring up the subject when you are not having sex, making it a two-way conversation.

Think of a time something didn’t go well during your time of intimacy. How did you handle it?

If it was negative, what would have been a better way to communicate?

For example: Honey, I’m sorry I said those things. Honestly, I was aroused and really wanted to complete the act. In my frustration, I did _____ and said _____. I am sorry I hurt you with my words and actions. I think it made you feel ______. Am I right? I was wrong; will you forgive me?

Talk it out with each other how you will handle disappointment in this area in the future. Come up with a plan on how you will handle a negative move or response the next time it happens. (And, it will!)

Dennis and I just listened to a podcast of Christian sex therapists talk about how only 17% of Christian couples talk about sex in their marriage. Proud and thankful to be in that 17%, we know that our sexual intimacy is as good as it is because we practice our pillow talk often. We trust each other enough to discuss what we like, don’t like, and what we’d like to try.

  • A turn-off word that stings with rejection is “No.” Learn to reframe your “No.”

Learning to reframe our ‘Not tonight, dear” into a “When” has helped us to clearly communicate why another time is a better option. We don’t feel put off or rejected and look forward to having both of us on board for a great love-making session. I call it “Quality” time over obligatory or dutiful time.

Avoid saying “No.”  Change it to “Not now, but When..”

It has been such an exhausting day, I won’t be fully engaged if we made love tonight. I know I will feel more refreshed _____name the when________.

The important point here is that you carry through on your promise for the “When.

  1. Recognize the power Pillow Talk has on your sex life.

Our words have the power to bless or to curse. If we understand that our pillow talk words turn on, undress, affirm and encourage our spouse and benefit our marriage in every way, then let’s make a commitment to speak life.

Nothing is more appealing than speaking beautiful, life-giving words. For they release sweetness to our souls and inner healing to our spirits.

Speak Life!

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