Dennis and I have a rule about our bedroom. We call it our “Love Nest.” Only two activities should occur in a married couple’s bedroom, we say. And that’s sleep and sex.
Rooms have a purpose.
Kitchens are for cooking. Laundry rooms are for washing and drying laundry. Bathrooms are for taking care of bodily and hygienic needs. Rooms serve purposes. The better we define these rooms and their purposes, the more distinctive they become.
Use your bedroom for sleep and sex only by taking out what doesn’t belong there.
Keep these out of your bedroom
- We strongly recommend that no hard conversations occur here. And especially if it has to do with sexual performance or correction. Apply the Pillow Talk rules.
- Some of you may differ, but we don’t like the idea of a television in this room, either.
Sleep and marriage experts generally think having a television in your bedroom is a bad idea.
The Bed is for Sleep and Sex Only
Avoid watching TV, eating, and discussing emotional issues in bed. The bed should be used for sleep and sex only. If not, we can associate the bed with other activities and it often becomes difficult to fall asleep or associate the bed with good sex.
Bedtime is not just about sleep. It is about renewing and maintaining your relationship. It can be the one time when you each learn what has been going on with one another during the day.
Watching TV in your bedroom can be a turn-off. At the end of the day, TV watching may be a way to self-medicate the effects of a bad day, but it actually can make you too tired, jaded and bored to have sex at all.
And if watching TV helps you avoid issues you need to talk about, that is not healthy. When you both are focused on television shows and use television as a way to escape from reality, your real issues are set aside.
Couples who have a television in their bedroom have sex half as often as those who don’t. Want to change that?
Would you be willing to try an experiment for two weeks? If you have a television in your room, either unplug it and move it to another room or cover it with a sheet as a way to declare it off limits. Watch TV only in the family room/living room. Make a decision to start turning off the TV one-half to one hour before your scheduled bedtime. (Studies actually show the blue light emitted by TVs, tablets, smartphones, laptops or other electronic devices before bed delays your body’s internal clock –your circadian rhythm—by suppressing the sleep-inducing hormone, melatonin, and makes it more difficult to fall asleep.)
Use this time to talk about your day, cuddle, or read an actual book together. See where this leads.
Create A Love Nest
Dennis and I think our bedroom should look and be treated as a “Love Nest.” A Love Nest shouldn’t be the room where unfolded laundry gets piled into a mile-high mountain, or stacks of paper accumulate or items that have no other home end up. (Like exercise equipment.)
How to Build a Love Nest
- Invite God into your bed.
- Get rid of the clutter
- In the winter, use an electric fireplace or electric blankets.
- A ceiling or floor fan –or both. (Two functions: provides noise and cool air when our bodies overheat.)
- Easy mood lighting. I have a strand of white lights around our window that provides magical mood lighting. Nightlights work too.
- Pads and pillows—for propping and different positions.
- Create a tool kit—massage oil, lube, blindfold, vibrator, etc.
- Sensory accessories—silk scarf, soft ostrich plume, chocolates, peppermints, a strand of pearls
- LOCK THE DOOR. You don’t want to scar your kids for life.
- Candles and mirrors.
- Essential oils (Patchouli, Lavender, Jasmine, and Ylang Ylang are our favorites) and a diffuser
- Music for setting the mood. Gather playlists or CDs. (We recommend musical artists FourPlay, Chris Botti, Andrea Bocelli)
Your bedroom is a sacred place. Let it serve its purpose.
And it’s purpose? Sleep. And. Sex.